I don’t share much detail about my personal life on the web, but lately I’ve been feeling so inspired, and I can’t help but share how I became so inspired.
We’ve all been there, or we will be there, heartbreak.
A few months ago, I came to the conclusion I was forever alone, and single and no man would ever want to date me. I let myself think that I wasn’t good enough for a man or something, the things that your mind will make up when you feel lonely, and afraid. About a month after, I felt the need to reach out to an ex that I felt was the perfect fit for me, as always, an ex should always be an ex. Then out of the blue, someone I’d once talked to came back into my life, we met up, and I felt so giddy. I came home raving about the date I just had, and how he was such a gentlemen, I was so sure there was something great about to happen. Like most girls do I suppose. But then I went through a period of questioning if I really thought there could be something, and I went back an fourth. All the while, I was being played with like a toy, it’s like my feelings didn’t matter to this guy. After listening to my friends, I decided to play it out again, and just go with the flow, because, I mean what did I have to lose? I’ve never been the girl to fall hard and quickly, I certainly have never been the girl to give out my heart after the first few dates. But, for some reason with this kid, I felt the need to be new, free, and different. I gave it all I could, and I tried, I just need to remember that at the end of this post. But, unfortunately it didn’t work out. I was told how great of a person I was, I was praised for the honesty I had, and among other things. This guy really made me feel like I had found something unlike anything else. For awhile I was afraid I was just doing this because I once felt so lonely, but then, when I talked sense into myself and looked deep, I realized I really truly thought I liked this guy and it wasn’t because I was once lonely. However, just like that, it ended. I wasn’t the one to end it either, and I didn’t see it coming at all. So, I was heartbroken. You’re probably wondering how someone can be heartbroken only after a few dates, few words spoken and not much attachment? Well, me too, because I was the girl who wouldn’t let it be that way, I was the girl who held up her head after rejection, and all of a sudden a new emotion occurred, and I couldn’t control it. I didn’t cry, but I wasn’t sure what to do. I was quite, and I wasn’t really certain on what I wanted to do. With no explanation from the guy, I decided I would spend the holidays with my family and friends enjoying life. After all, that’s the best thing you can do right? Excluding the one night rule, where you get to eat your feelings, watch sappy movies, and mope around for 24 hours. I’ll admit, I did that, I felt horrible. I felt absolutely torn, and I told my roommates they’d have to just deal with it for at least 24 hours, after that I asked that they give me a pep talk if I was still down about it. I still struggled with the thoughts of why I wasn’t good enough, even after all he said, why did he change his mind all of a sudden, all of a sudden why wasn’t I someone he wanted to pursue? It took me awhile to get over these pondering thoughts. I can’t thank my best friend enough, her timing for coming back to the states was planned so well, and maybe it was written in the stars, because it was just what I needed. To see her, hear her voice, and laugh with her just like the old times, she was the right amount of happiness I needed to move on, and really get past the broken and uneasiness I felt. However, when she approached me and said “you need to get out more Al” I was at a loss of words, because I’m an extrovert, I am always running around, I’m always getting out, and I’m never stopping. Reality hit when she told me this though, and I realized I really stopped going out, I stopped seeing friends, and I just worked on photography while hanging out with my cat. Not because of the guy, but because there were changes happening in me, and I didn’t even know it. I reacted the way the old Ali would, and headed to Florida with a person I’d never met before, only to meet up with someone who has inspired my photography from day one. With a small budget, and no idea on the adventure ahead of me, I went for it, I got out, and I had never felt so alive as I drove down the interstate. I felt a rush of a feeling that felt familiar to me, and it couldn’t have been more perfect. I had changed so much in the past 2 months, and wasn’t sure if who I used to be was still really there at all. Slowly while in Florida I started to find more and more pieces of the old me that had come out of the dark. My heart didn’t feel so broken, and I started to feel more alive. It’s so hard to explain, so the best way I find fit, is that I’d lost myself so easily, I was afraid that finding myself again wouldn’t be as easy. I knew I’d have to work for it, and really I was so surprised to find that the stars had written a story of their own. My broken heart decided to mend itself together through the power of love with new and familiar faces.
I would love to just spill all of the amazingness my heart, mind, and body felt as I just let the sun fill me with warmth, but I feel like that’s a secret I’ll have with myself for life. I discovered a secret to life, at least for mine. One secret I can share with you is that letting go, and letting life just happen for a week can be the greatest healing power.
A few weeks ago, I felt like I was never going to be the same after wearing my heart on my sleeve. Today, I am changed, I have moved past that broken feeling, and I’ve moved into a new realm with my photography, I’ve felt closer to my friends, and my adrenaline is up and running. Now it’s time to continue the healing process at home, and it’s time to truly move on from my broken heart. I can’t wait to discover what’s on the other side of this line I seem to be approaching. I’m so happy to have experienced heartbreak, and so thankful to have those in my life who have helped me get to this point…
I’m so refreshed, I am so new, and I am mending so seamlessly.