I am going to warn you, the one reading this that this will be a long post. The fact that your reading it right now though means the world to me, because I have made such a major decision in my life, and I am so happy with it. If you read the whole post, than thank you, for taking the time to read my thoughts, my reasonings, and wherever your opinion stands after, I hope that you understand.
I have no idea who will be reading this, but I know that YOU are important to ME. You have helped me grow, and YOU have helped ME be where I am in my life right now.
I am giving myself something that I deserve, and I am taking a break. Most of you that are reading this right now know that I have been attending the Art Institute of Minnesota here in Minneapolis. I’ve been chasing and following my dream of becoming a photographer for 2 1/2 years now, and going to college after high school was something that was going to help make that dream become even more of a reality. Graduating with a Bachelor’s degree has been something I talked about since I was 10 or 11, I couldn’t wait until college, and it was SO important for me to do it right after high school. I believed that I would be a failure in my own life if I didn’t. I’m not saying that those that don’t are failures, but it was something that was important for me to do, and I was determined to do it. At 10 I didn’t know what I would be doing, I thought probably 30 different careers until I turned 16 and decided that it was photography. My life was forever changed, because photography was shown to me. It eventually became clear to me that college was becoming an important factor in my life, and I had to start planning, so in high school, that’s all I ever thought about, was moving away and being in college, and preparing for my future, becoming successful, and being happy. I was so set that everything was like the movies, and I felt deep down that if I did things like in the movies, then I would be as happy as the characters in those movies. Well, to keep things simple, I went off to college, moved to Minneapolis from a small town in North Dakota, and became in love with the city. Things didn’t happen like I thought they would, I changed my mind about 100 times, and created photos I didn’t think interested me, but I was wrong. I created a series, I met wonderful people who I lived with in my apartment and things were going great. I met new friends, and they welcomed me in their group with smiles all around, and I was creating, creating photographs that made me happy. I had great friends, a family back home that loved me, and a promising college degree 3 years ahead of me. But this last quarter everything has changed; two of my old roommates left the school, left the apartment, and I wasn’t enrolled in a single photography class, which is partially my fault. So I was still surrounded by great friends, a great roommate, and a great family. My current roommate and I decided that we would be leaving our current living situation, and moving into an apartment where it would just be us. I turned 19 just a week or so ago, and I had an amazing birthday. But, I can’t deny the fact that recently I have put myself in hibernation, with no ambition to shoot, no desire to create, and those feelings scared me, I’ve spent countless nights wondering why, why photography, why even try to be happy, and why even live in these conditions if I am not happy? It’s easy to say I got scared, and I spent countless nights this past month in tears on the phone with friends, and family, and questioning why I am doing doing something that doesn’t make me happy. The thought about leaving school crossed my mind almost every minute of the day, and it haunted me while sitting in class. I had to really take some time and consider to myself that maybe school really isn’t what I wanted right now. There has been many things that have led up to this decision that I look at as “signs” and I feel a pull, a spiritual pull from God telling me that this right now is the right decision for my life. So a few days ago I decided that I would be officially leaving Ai, leaving the photo program, and my job at the school. I am still going to be living in Minneapolis with my roommate Katie, and I will be taking on a full-time job, working on my photography, and doing what many photographers I look up to and received advice from have done before me..
This decision hurts me all at the same time because I know that I will be leaving behind a world I loved, a world at school, and I will be walking away from the degree that used to be so important to me. But I need to remember that in all of the chaos I will be doing what I love more often, I will be working on it harder each and every day, and I know that I am not going to be fed by a silver spoon, I know that this is going to be one of the hardest things in my life, but I know that in the end I will be happy, my work will grow, and I will be creating. I will be released from the cage I felt I am kept in.
I don’t regret a single decision made until this point, because my decisions have brought me to the place I am at now. They have led me to the wonderful people I have met, and the wonderful people who have gone out of their way to help me out. So there is no regrets, and no matter how terrified I am to make this step in my life, I know that I am doing the right thing.
I don’t know what my next step is, I mean I know the steps I need to take after I come back to Minneapolis from my hometown, but I don’t truly know where life is going to take me. I have decided to step out of the “safe” I am in. I know that there will be struggles, but if I have learned anything in 19 years, I know that there is always the light at the end of the tunnel, and this is me sticking to my dreams, and my heart.
For some of you this will be the first you hear about it, for some you have already heard about it, and either way I hope that you understand my decision, and know that I am doing this 100% for me, and school is not the place I need to be at right now..
March is one of my busiest months, and it is finally here, there is so much in store for me this month, and I am so so happy that this weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Keep in touch,
P.S. I could name off every single person that has helped me with this decision, and those that I have made an impact in my life but I would be typing the names for over a week… You know who you are if you are reading this thank you so much