Nothing of a Perfection

I need a day to shut out the whole world, put a black curtain on my window, sit in my room, light candles, and write. I know that might sound extremely weird but I’m going down. I’m not organized right now. I just need a day to reflect on who I am. I don’t feel like this all of the time, I promise, but I’m tired. My life has no path right now, I’m not a fortune-teller, but right now I wish I was, or at least I wish someone could sit down in front of me and tell me what I have in my future. I wish that there was something I could do to feel that my future holds a handful of happiness. I guess I’m just feeling alone, I am ready to lay next to the one I love and look up at the stars. I’m young, I understand that, and I understand that I more than likely have my whole life ahead of me, but what if I drop tomorrow, what if I didn’t wake up after falling asleep? Life isn’t  guaranteed and though I’ve found my passion in life, and I’m living it everyday, I’m still alone through the process. I’m also terrified of falling in love, and not being alone anymore and not creating what I love. I’m afraid that once I’m given something like love, something will be taken out of my hands like photography. I’m sounding so insecure, and I know I can’t love until I love myself, but I do.. I just hate the unknown, I know I’m not the only one out there, but I also know that being afraid of the unknown does no good. Tonight I felt like creating a self-portrait that described how I’ve been feeling lately, and this explains it perfect, with my hair in my face, buried in my hands, in my under ware on my bed reflecting what the hell I’m here for. Perfection is something I will never strive for, but I strive to be happy, to do what I love, and to know who I am. I just want to share my deep thoughts with the world, I want to help others that feel the way I’ve felt, and I want to know that there is more than me out there that bury themselves in their hands at the end of the day. I make it sound like my life is a terrible misery, when I’ve never felt so blessed. I’ve found what I want to do with the rest of my life at a young age, at least photography, I don’t know what I want to do with photography right now, and maybe that’s why I’m in the huge slump. I’ve been blessed with a gracious family that care for me more than I could ever ask for. I have also been given some of the best friends, and some of the most supportive people in my life.. I’ve been blessed to have a broken heart before, I can’t say it was a terrible thing, because I learned so much, and I became stronger after picking up all the broken pieces and putting them together. But I’m still healing, and I’m not ready for what I think I am, I’m not ready for love…Just because I’m so scared of what it will do to me…Maybe for now I just need to travel, I used to think I was stuck in small towns, and then I moved to Minneapolis, and I still feel like I’m stuck in a small town, even though it’s the biggest city I’ve lived in. I wish I could pack up my bags get on a plane and head to the furthest country, city, back road right now and just live. I don’t know what I would live in, with, how I would live, but I want to experience something drastic on my own. I want to discover things on my own, I want to do something that I, myself wants for me. A secret I’ve never released is that photography, yes is my passion, and yes I wouldn’t change my mind about it, but being guided by my brother, I have felt like there is something else I should be doing, like it didn’t belong to me. I know that my brother would never, ever say that’s true but I guess it’s just a feeling I have. I don’t dwell on it much, if I did I’d be doing something else, but there is just so much more I want to do, I almost feel like every 2 years I want to do something different. There are people who do that right? You keep one job, but you do something different with that job every so often? I feel like photography is going to bring me there, but it shouldn’t be first, it should be second. Why am I feeling like this? Why am I feeling like my life isn’t going to be going up from this slump I am in, it is terrible. I want to create. I want to create something so badly, but this slump is bringing me so far down that all of my ideas are nothing I feel like right now, I know they aren’t, I know that if I sucked it up I could create, but I’d still feel empty. This is the side of me I wish never came out, the artist slump, or whatever you want to call it. Everyone goes through a slump, but this is so deep, that getting out of it seems so impossible.. I just don’t know what to do right now… So I’m going to remain with my head in my hands, and I’m going to continue to write, and hope..create..and hope to inspire.


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