My last post left some unanswered questions to some people, and so this is to answer those questions, and let everyone know I’m OK!
In my last post I mentioned that I was saying a brief goodbye to my Facebook followers to take sometime on myself, and reflect on some personal things. Let me assure you that I am ok, and these personal things are something that saying goodbye to Facebook for a little bit probably won’t matter, but I am taking a break either way, so I can work on making some other connections with my blog, and take some time to really post my work else where. I feel like my photography has been based off of Facebook, and as much as I love it, and as much as I love my followers of my work on there, I feel like it’s not going where it should be. That’s where I started, and I don’t plan on leaving forever, but I feel like there is a whole new world out there where Facebook is nothing. Does that make any sense?
I’m fighting an enemy inside of myself to be the person I am inside, and to show the person I am when no one else is around, or the person I am with my family and closest friends. I make myself out to be a two-faced person, or I guess someone with a personality disorder, I’m not I swear. However, I have two sides to who I am, I have this extremely loud, excited, bubbly person that sometimes is way to much for people, and than I have that exact side but so much different at the same time, I’m not sure how to explain it. I think we are all the same, but sometimes I am not given the opportunity to share who I want people to see me as. I am not looking for acceptance or anything close like that. But I am trying to fight the fear of showing my deeper side, and the side that people tend to say they fall in love with. I think everyone is like that, and I think everyone wants to show that side of us that no one else really sees, but I’m afraid to look like I’m faking, again acceptance isn’t a problem, but we become a person around others, and than to suddenly change? That looks weird right? At least to me, so I’m doing it slowly, and I guess I thought by saying a brief goodbye to Facebook might start the process. I might completely be wrong on this too. But I can tell you one thing, for the past few months I’ve been praying that God shows me an answer, and last night he shed light on it, I wasn’t given an answer because I’m siting with more questions than ever right now, but he opened my eyes, and I’m so blessed to have the opportunity to be making some big changes in my life.
Some of my closest friends and family members know that I’ve always had a big heart, I’ve always followed God, and I’ve always loved share smiles with someone to help in whatever way I can. This is also the side of me I’m taking about, the side I just want to scream to the world. I’ve always wanted to be a humanist photographer, and I’ve always wanted to share someones story through the lens, but I’ve never known how to start, and I really haven’t started that much. I’ve focused on creating my own story through the lens, shooting fashion, weddings, and etc. But it’s time that I reach deep down, and lend out that hand God is calling me to do. There is so much on my mind like whens the next mission trip, when is the Peace Core ready for me, and when is the time for me to go do something I’m being called to do? However, I’m thankful for the family and friends that I have to remind me that I need to take this one step at a time, and the advice I’ve been given I am so truly thankful and blessed for. As much as I’m ready to start this new journey, it needs to be taken in steps, and getting on a plane to Africa won’t happen tomorrow, it will happen, but not yet. God is directing me in the path though, I can feel it more than ever right now. I guess I’m confused terribly right now, but I’m just excited to be taking the first steps, and to be lending a hand out in my community is the first step. Than after that, moving forward to bigger and better things. I know right now I sound like a confused 18 year old girl but what can I say? Ever since I’ve been given a camera there has been so much bottled up inside of me, so much emotion, so much that I just want to release all at once, because inspiration just keeps coming, I know this feeling won’t last forever, and eventually I’ll be put into a rut, but right now a new calling is approaching. A new experience is creeping up on me, and I’m ready to take it full on. Am I?
This is probably the worst blog ever, but I’ve been interrupted, so I will continue later..I hope you get what I’m saying..I’m not crazy am I? There are others that feel this way right?