Things I’ll Never Understand.

In this alone

It’s 3:20am. I should be sleeping, I should be preparing my body for the long day I have ahead of me tomorrow, but instead I’m sitting in front of my computer writing this. My mind is racing over a thousand things right now, and I can’t find the answer to any of these things. I can’t even type them all out because I don’t know what half of the things are. Does that ever happen to you? Do you ever feel like the things in your head are pointless, and you wish you could just set them aside?

I created this new blog for my photography, but then about an hour ago I decided that this is my photography. My photography is my words turned into a photograph, and if I’m not willing to share my words with people, than how can I ever be okay with showcasing my work? I’m a pretty open person, but when it comes to the things that are only in my journal, or conceptual diary that’s where I leave it to the photograph to tell the story. But someone very special to me made me realize that I need to express who I am with words also, so more people understand me, and then they can understand my work on a completely new level.

I guess I don’t know what sparked this inside of me, but I know that I’m stuck. My photography isn’t stuck, I’m stuck, which I guess everything connects to my photography so I guess it is stuck. I don’t know, writing this even gives me more questions..

Here’s the deal, all things set aside, my life is about to take some huge turns in the next three months, and though I’m excited, I’m nervous. I’ve never felt more nervous for something, and I’m scared. In the course of the next three months I have 2 weddings to shoot, over 15 client’s work, my upcoming series, and I’m moving into a new apartment.  Everything, and I mean everything from where I’m going to wake up, to what’s in my bag is going to be changing. I’m not sure if I’m prepared for it, I always talk about the good in my life, and how awesome everything with photography is going, but in the long run, I’m just setting myself up for destruction, or a breakdown. I’m not ready for one, I’m starting to feel it, I’m feeling doubt. That if this is even what I should be doing with my life, or if photography is just that thing I’m good at, but it’s not worth the time. Saying these things, typing them out is hurting me because I know I don’t truly feel this way, I know that what I’m doing is worth the time, and worth the stress. Because when I’m holding that final result in my hands all the stress in my life is gone.. But right now, I’m not holding anything, I’m at the bottom of the hill trying to make a climb that I know will be the most exhausting thing of my life, but in the end it will be the most rewarding..

I’ve been this way since I can remember, setting goals to high, trying my hardest to reach them, I’ve always been deep, and sometimes to deep for people, but it’s who I am. I don’t need to be famous, but one day I want someone to remember my name, even if it’s one person, I want them to understand I’d do anything for them. I want photography to bring me there, I want to travel, and I want to tell the stories of those that can’t. I want to be their voice, if they allow me. I want to create images that are passed down, I want to create things that relates.

I’ll admit I’ve been blessed with the greatest support group in everything I do, my family and friends, they are my number one fans, and they are the ones that have been there since I was little. Being this girl who aimed to high, and usually missed. But now I feel like I’m hitting it just right, and that scares me, because at some point it’s all going to come crashing down and I’ll be just like that little girl who aimed to high and missed..

There are so many questions running thru my head right now, that maybe blogging about it is like a roller coaster for who reads it..

I’m not perfect. I’ve never done anything in my life that has been perfect.. there are faults in every inch of my life, and every step I take.. I’ve never belonged in a group of friends, I was shut down by a lot of people, but I’ve made some of the greatest friends for the exact reason.. I’ve never been accepted in the way i saw others around me being accepted, and it hurt, for years it hurt, and I took it out on myself, I abused my body, and I let myself get so low that I was at the point where life wasn’t worth living for me anymore, I tried so hard.. I guess I tried to be what I knew I wasn’t.. depression filled my soul, a smile covered every inch of pain I felt, and some days a smile wasn’t enough, the medicine wasn’t enough, nothing was enough my mother holding me in her arms saying it’ll be okay just wasn’t enough.. I never understood in these times why I even existed, I never understood why God would put this misery on me.. however, one year my life changed, and I got to live with the most amazing man ever, my grandpa, he taught me what life was about, and he taught me that being on the ground is nothing but asking for more and more misery, I met friends that were actually there for me, and I fit.. it wasn’t the perfect fit, but it was the best fitting thing I’d ever had in my life.. for a year I healed, I grew, and I picked up a camera.. I sucked, every time I had my camera in my hand I felt something I’d never felt, I felt accepted, but I was terrible at actually shooting images, I couldn’t create concepts with meaning.. and than this man who taught me so much in a year left this earth, and I knew that dwelling over it would do me no good.. so I picked up the camera, and I practiced, every day, every minute… I was still okay without the most inspirational man in my life.. the depression was gone, for the most part, and I met even more friends, all over the world who accepted who I was, and what I created through a lens.. I decided to make a move to Minneapolis to follow my dreams in becoming a photographer, and to capture every moment I could, and to pour my heart and soul into an image.. those dark days are over, they are still here with me, they are my inspiration, and I’m thankful for not being perfect. I’m thankful for the many, many people who support what I do, and I’m thankful for those who never, ever gave up on me… I don’t’ know how I got blessed with such a wonderful life..i really don’t..

I’m going to leave it at that.. my soul feels empty right now, even though I have such good things to say about my life, my soul feels empty, and though I have family and friends, I feel alone. More alone than I have in a while…

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